Not unlike a lot of other women my age, I didn't change my last name when I got married. There was never any question of my doing so, as far as Ameel and I were concerned. It only came up once when I referred to someone we knew changing her name and my observing how odd a concept that was. He agreed. End of discussion.
Of course we were aware that some people would have trouble with that, if only because it's not what they're used to. The funny thing is who has trouble with it. My father doesn't. Ameel's entire family doesn't. My mother and grandmother, on the other hand, can't get their heads around it. It's been over three years and yesterday my mother calls asking what name she should use when mailing me something. Specifically, "Mrs what?". (Not because she doesn't know Ameel's name but because somewhere the message that his last name is not the default has apparently sunk in.)
Because it isn't so much which name I use, apparently, but the ambiguity that not using that particular loathsome title causes that bothers them. At this point, they just want me to tack a 'Mrs' onto the front of my name, regardless of what it is, or how bizarre it sounds.
I just don't get it. I really don't. And apparently neither do they. But what I do expect is for the people who actually know me to respect my "choice", specially when that choice does not involve any change. I could understand if they had trouble remembering a new name or title for a bit, because that happens, but I can't understand having trouble remembering, well, nothing.
Which is why I kick up such a fuss. I told my mother that any mail addressed to a Mrs anything would be sent back. I have refused to attend events to which I've received invitations addressed to a 'Mrs'. I have made friends resend/re-address invitations to weddings and such when they've made that mistake. After all, that's not my legal name, so I conclude that the mail or invite or whatever is not for me.
If I'm harder on the people I'm closest to, it's because I expect them to know my name. Random strangers address me as Mrs Khan and Ameel as Mr Niaz when they know we're married but only know one of our names. I don't have a problem with that. I'll correct them when and if necessary but they don't matter to me and I don't to them, so why go off on a rant when they're just trying to be personable/get a job done? I'm not trying to prove a point or make a huge statement. All I'm saying is that I am who I have always been.
But that isn't ok. The way they read it, being married confers upon women the honor of being someone's property and we should therefore all proudly declare our status as chattel. To not do so is to give great offense to our husbands and their families and society in general and, in doing so, dishonor our own families. The less medieval see it as simply being disloyal or somehow indicating that we don't love our husbands as we should because we're not willing to take on the shiny pink extra-special role of wifey-pooh.
What a load of bullshit.
I'm not even going to bother addressing the whole honor thing. But I can't get my head around the idea that I should have to 'prove' to anybody how I feel about my husband. As far as I'm concerned, that's between me and him (and maybe the people on public transport that we nauseate every now and then). And why does being married make a difference? Are unmarried couples in long-term relationships automatically less committed? If so, what if one of them took their partner's last name? Would that make people feel better about their relationship? Isn't how they feel about each other the important thing? And isn't all of this very much NOT anybody else's business?
I feel about my husband exactly as I did before we got married. A ring and a piece of paper, whether or not accompanied by a name-change, in the final analysis, have nothing whatsoever to do with how you feel about someone or how committed you are to the relationship - they certainly didn't change my committment. They just mean that, on top of being goofy about each other, we can share health cover, live together legally in countries that require cohabitants to be married, and travel together more easily. And that we got to invite lots of of people for a huge, fun party three and a half years ago. We didn't stop being the people we were because of any of that and I don't think either of us should pretend that we did. If anything, I think we're most ourselves when we're together and that is altogether too precious for me to taint or burden with such stuff and nonsense as 'tradition' or 'appearances' or whatever the trend-du-jour happens to be.
Of course we were aware that some people would have trouble with that, if only because it's not what they're used to. The funny thing is who has trouble with it. My father doesn't. Ameel's entire family doesn't. My mother and grandmother, on the other hand, can't get their heads around it. It's been over three years and yesterday my mother calls asking what name she should use when mailing me something. Specifically, "Mrs what?". (Not because she doesn't know Ameel's name but because somewhere the message that his last name is not the default has apparently sunk in.)
Because it isn't so much which name I use, apparently, but the ambiguity that not using that particular loathsome title causes that bothers them. At this point, they just want me to tack a 'Mrs' onto the front of my name, regardless of what it is, or how bizarre it sounds.
I just don't get it. I really don't. And apparently neither do they. But what I do expect is for the people who actually know me to respect my "choice", specially when that choice does not involve any change. I could understand if they had trouble remembering a new name or title for a bit, because that happens, but I can't understand having trouble remembering, well, nothing.
Which is why I kick up such a fuss. I told my mother that any mail addressed to a Mrs anything would be sent back. I have refused to attend events to which I've received invitations addressed to a 'Mrs'. I have made friends resend/re-address invitations to weddings and such when they've made that mistake. After all, that's not my legal name, so I conclude that the mail or invite or whatever is not for me.
If I'm harder on the people I'm closest to, it's because I expect them to know my name. Random strangers address me as Mrs Khan and Ameel as Mr Niaz when they know we're married but only know one of our names. I don't have a problem with that. I'll correct them when and if necessary but they don't matter to me and I don't to them, so why go off on a rant when they're just trying to be personable/get a job done? I'm not trying to prove a point or make a huge statement. All I'm saying is that I am who I have always been.
But that isn't ok. The way they read it, being married confers upon women the honor of being someone's property and we should therefore all proudly declare our status as chattel. To not do so is to give great offense to our husbands and their families and society in general and, in doing so, dishonor our own families. The less medieval see it as simply being disloyal or somehow indicating that we don't love our husbands as we should because we're not willing to take on the shiny pink extra-special role of wifey-pooh.
What a load of bullshit.
I'm not even going to bother addressing the whole honor thing. But I can't get my head around the idea that I should have to 'prove' to anybody how I feel about my husband. As far as I'm concerned, that's between me and him (and maybe the people on public transport that we nauseate every now and then). And why does being married make a difference? Are unmarried couples in long-term relationships automatically less committed? If so, what if one of them took their partner's last name? Would that make people feel better about their relationship? Isn't how they feel about each other the important thing? And isn't all of this very much NOT anybody else's business?
I feel about my husband exactly as I did before we got married. A ring and a piece of paper, whether or not accompanied by a name-change, in the final analysis, have nothing whatsoever to do with how you feel about someone or how committed you are to the relationship - they certainly didn't change my committment. They just mean that, on top of being goofy about each other, we can share health cover, live together legally in countries that require cohabitants to be married, and travel together more easily. And that we got to invite lots of of people for a huge, fun party three and a half years ago. We didn't stop being the people we were because of any of that and I don't think either of us should pretend that we did. If anything, I think we're most ourselves when we're together and that is altogether too precious for me to taint or burden with such stuff and nonsense as 'tradition' or 'appearances' or whatever the trend-du-jour happens to be.